Cervix Centric Sex
What could a sexual encounter be like if two people were de-armored, re-sensitized, decolonized from porn images in their minds and bodies, and attuned to connection?
This is a stream of consciousness, embodied download I received. A channeled bit of inspiration. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck came over me, I was lying in bed with my lover about to fall asleep, and it came bubbling up with such a ferocity that I asked him to hand me my phone to record it. I knew there was something profound in what I was about to say.
I thought it was for men, but truthfully it was for us all. This has totally revolutionized our erotic connection, this concept of cervical attunement. I hope it is equally powerful and connective for you, your relationship with your body, your partnerships, and your connection with Mother Earth.
Please excuse the writing style, I attempted to directly translate what I spoke, which is not exactly how I would write out these concepts. :)
There may be triggers in here. I sat with whether to share this or not for awhile. I believe it was meant for more than just me, but it may not resonate with you and that’s okay. I’m here for all of it.
Okay, here we go.
The colonizing sexual experiences I help women overcome is one thing, but I realize there’s a mirroring part for men to consider (and for women too.)
For a partnership to have a healthy and thriving sexual polarity, the cervix needs to be at the center of focus and consideration, as far as penetration is concerned.
So, when I’m coaching women around enlivening their pelvises and coming into their bodies, and their felt sense of being sexualLy ALIVE, I often tell them to stop using vibrators, and stop overstimulating their bodies, and wiring themselves for unnatural, mechanized pleasure.
What I’m seeing is the converse, or the other side of that experience for the men, in their decolonization practice, is the understanding of frictionless sex, or sex that doesn’t treat the vagina simply as an orifice. In other words: sex that centers the cervix.
It’s like our self-pleasure practices are often informed by what we’ve seen in pornography. What happens there leaves an imprint in our nervous systems about what men do and what women do. And layer that upon a cultural understanding that goes back for ages. There’s a position that’s so common, and an action that’s so common, which is women on the bottom, men on the top thrusting. Women being thrusted upon. Men doing the thrusting with this conquering energy involved.
What I think is really enlivening instead for both partners is to dance.
For the penis to be re-sensitized through practices that help unwind the neurological fixation on shaft friction, to re-sensitize the tip of the cock to orient to where the cervix is, to what the cervix is doing, and how to dance and move and allow for cervical flight to be the energy that dictates movement in and out of the vagina.
Understanding where a woman’s cervix is and how it’s moving with arousal, which it does! It moves quite a bit up and down the vaginal canal naturally as she gets hot, as her hips move, as her erectile tissues engorge.
Just like the mechanized stimulation from a vibrator eventually leads to desensitization for a woman, where she needs to buzz herself harder and faster, and trains her pleasure neurology to need that. She becomes desensitized to slow frictionless pulsing. She almost has to be fucked really fast and hard to get that same percussive cadence, which feeds into the male’s neurology of friction. Then they are both just trying to rub one out on each other, rather than having a connected experience.
Rather, theres breath involved, there’s synching up of movement with both pelvises, slow suctioning micro-movements in and out of the vagina that kiss the cervix and encourage sensitivity for both parties.
Centering the cervix in penetration must start with centering the cervix with a fuck ton of arousal. Because female erectile tissue is all internal, just as much erectile tissue women have as men do, only it’s blood flow is different, and it takes 35-45 minutes to engorge, where men’s erectile valves open quickly.
Understanding that helps set the stage for a woman’s cervix to ripen into sensitivity, to be flooded with blood that creates a soft cushy erectile tissue tube that will envelope the cock happily, that lines the vagina, and threads back through the entire pelvis through the clitoral legs. This primes the cervix to be touched, and feel good while it does. The cervix is shaped perfectly to kiss the head of the cock, to open it’s mouth around it.
What could a sexual encounter be like if two people were re-sensitized, decolonized from the porn images in their minds and bodies, and attuned to that connection between cock and cervix. Where the cock deepens its movement only when it feels the cervix draw up, and when the woman’s body bears down - that’s what causes the cock to move down the vaginal canal. Tuning into this magnetic polarity right there at the connection.
It would look nothing like a pornographic sex scene. And it would feel nothing like it. Deconstructing the way that our bodies have been wired by these unnatural examples in movies and pornography to really feel each other instead.
Attuned to the microcosmic orbit of the breath, women feel themselves energetically drawing their partner in through their sex, this receiving energy at the vagina, which then rises up the spinal column and pours out of her at the heart. And men are penetrated from the heart, as women beam their love and trust and presence into their hearts, which travels down their spines into their cocks, and the circular energy exchange becomes truly generative for both.
The polarities of penetration cannot be felt unless both are attuned to the cervix and the sweet connection there.
Circumcision is a fucking plague. That trauma to the sexual nerves of a man’s cock, and to what’s at the heart of his sexual self, cut off. It's no wonder it requires intense friction for many men to feel any pleasure.
Presencing, re-sensitizing, dearmoring the dick. That’s the medicine. From the original trauma. This seems essential to me, for this vision of sensitivity to be possible. For this giving up of friction sex. The unsatisfying surface-level pleasure.
We treat scar tissue everywhere else on the body. Have we really tended to the scarred desensitized tissues of circumcised men? Their original imprint of “this is wrong, this is bad, we are cutting it off of you.” What blueprint does that form in a man’s psyche about what his sexuality, his urges and desires are really about?
How can he then be attuned to the miracle of being welcomed into a woman's body if he’s full of desensitization, and scarred, and poisoned by porn images, and unable to slow down… how can he really feel the gravity of what he’s doing? The sacred vessel, the spiritual and erotic gift of entering a woman, of touching the place of creation, of being in communion with the life mother spout? The cervix. And the potential of creating life with his body too. And how can he feel his heart when he can’t even feel his cock?
What are things a woman can do for her partner to help him live into his pelvis, and repair his cultural trespass and re-sensitize his being, and help him feel embodied as a sexual being in a healthy way?
Help him understand what being penetrated actually feels like: ass work. Perineum, inner groin, prostate massage, softening all the tissues internally, that can help. And slow and intentional re-orienting touch, supported with castor oil and heat on the belly. Repairing pelvic floor hypertonicity, tension in the pelvic floor musculature blocking movement and circulation and lymph flow an energetic flow. This tension needs to be addressed for a man to be able to feel his cock and his partner’s cervix.
Same for women, if she’s wound tightly and cannot feel her cervix, cannot feel through the layers of desensitization from using a vibrator on her body, from being addicted to surface-level orgasms. She might also need physiological bodywork and dearmoring.
Knowing how to touch each other to support this unwinding process can be learned. Along with an accompanying capacity and commitment to talk with each other and connect deeply when triggered. Being fiercely committed to being right at the edge, and not going over, what can be titrated by the nervous system and body. Cannot just thrust into that healing work either, because you risk just retraumatizing yourself.
Some of this work has to be done alone, or with a skilled therapist before you’re even ready to have your partner see you in that vulnerability. However, I think the real alchemy happens in partnership. The real deeper imprinting of safety and eroticism. The undefended pelvic tissues meeting.
Because holy shit, if you know how to fuck each other like THAT. if you know how to give and receive both, like that… and then you walk out into your day… and you encounter a myriad of ways of people being tight asses and desensitized and frustrated and wound up and traumatized and unable to feel themselves… you just walk around carrying codes that are the antidote for all the aggression and violence in the world.
And if you’re a person who does healing work, then your touch, your hands, your being, your soul, your mind, will carry that through. Not as something you put into another’s body, but just at the barrier, an imprint of another way, a true feeling mirror. Think about how you will relate with the children in your life, your kids, your parenting, your elders.
The Earth. How you walk upon the land. How the soft fascial line from the depths of the interior pelvic organs translates down into the arches into the feet. And how that same essence of cervical flight is translated into the way your arches kiss the earth. Sensitive feet. Receptive to giving energy back with each step. Listening with each step. Communing with the energy of the earth itself. Feeling what grounding means. It’s not this goddamned ethereal intellectual concept - oh you have to have structure in your life to feel grounded… It has nothing to do with any of that.
Is your vessel open and can it feel and receive the earth, that’s really what’s important, now more than ever. And we can do that with our bodies in this most central and sacred place, as sexual beings. It’s a way to revolutionize ourselves.
It seems unfinished if I don’t add this: I’m available to support you if you’re a woman reading this and you feel the tidal pull to re-sensitize your living pelvis. If you want to decolonize your own body from the influences of porn, direct or indirect, from the less than worshipful experiences you’ve endured and the imprints they left, to re-learn sacred touch with yourself (first) and with your lover (after) - I’m here for that.
I love going deep with people, getting to the underlying foundations of things somatically, emotionally, spiritually. I love supporting women in these liminal waters, these deeply feminine ways of knowing ourselves and truly healing.
My own journey of healing childhood and adolescent molestation, trespass, abandonment, parental dysfunction, bullying, over-sexualization, hyper-athleticism, self-harm, vegetarianism, and marriage to a narcissist sex-addict, deeply informs my work with women.
My experience as a doula supporting women through the most intense moments of their lives – their birthing experiences – and witnessing birth traumas that could have been prevented from unattended pelvic discord, deeply informs my work.
My experience as a Woman born under Patriarchy deeply informs my work.
The healing stories of women inspire me to keep going, to keep pushing for change.
Thank you for being here, at the end of all these big words. You’re really powerful, so so brave, and you are a sacred vessel and deserve to feel like one, to be regarded as one, by yourself and any one who has the privilege to enter you. i love you.