How is your pleasure?

After birth, after loss, after trespass recovery, after menopause... your pleasure matters and so does your story.

photo: Noah Sorenson

When is the last time someone asked you - how is your pleasure?

It’s been a year since your miscarriage. You just cannot reconcile the loss. Your body went through something horrific and no one wants to talk to you about it anymore. You feel terribly alone. Your partner has become wary of approaching you for intimacy. You cannot feel your pussy at all anymore, it’s like it’s numb. You are fearful of getting pregnant again, afraid to experience that again. How is your pleasure?

It’s been six months since the birth of your child, and your doctor and husband are both looking at their watches, wondering why you’re not ready for sex yet. Recovery should have only taken six weeks, they said. When you tried to, it hurt so much that you shut down to the idea of it altogether. You vaguely remember a comment the doctor made to your husband in the hospital after the birth… “I’m going to stitch this up in a way you’re going to appreciate.” Now you wonder if there’s something permanently wrong with you. How is your pleasure?

It’s been 20 years since you got sexually trespassed at that party in high school. You’ve done therapy and have ‘healed’. You’ve got a nice family and you enjoy your life, but your libido has been tanked ever since. Sex is okay, but you rarely orgasm. You’re worried that if you don’t perform, your husband will cheat. How is your pleasure?

You’re fifty-five and you don’t know what’s going on down there since you stopped menstruating. You feel like a deserted desert, no connection with your sexuality, your yoni, and your pleasure. You hear from lots of women your age, “Just go on hormone replacement!” But that doesn’t seem like the root solution. You’re afraid that you are doomed to shrivel up and lose your sexual vitality altogether. How is your pleasure?

It’s normal for pleasure to recede after trauma, and there’s plenty of social/medical commentary about this, but there’s very little out there to support women’s pleasure repair.

Women, your second heart is your in womb.

Our womb’s experiences pull on our heartstrings. These places are inextricably woven together. The stories we carry affect our womb, our cycles, our health. Pleasure is the barometer.

When trauma causes us to pull back from the pain of our stories, we pull back the other end of the spectrum too, and our pleasure capacity diminishes. It’s like a river in drought, when the water recedes, the banks narrow. We are left feeling a fraction of what we are capable of sensing.

In the stories above (real stories from women in my practice) you can see how this plays out. They are living in the middle, in the brown area that you can see on this graph. They aren’t in the direct experience of their trauma, but they feel stuck. The unresolved trauma locks them in at mediocre. To our nervous system, the trauma zone registers as safer, but not totally safe, where pleasure is fully accessible.

Women want more than just to be safe.

• Women want more than to have a healthy baby, they also want pleasure.

• Women want more than to have recovered from loss or trespass, they also want pleasure.

• Women want more than to age gracefully, they still want pleasure!

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I read this post from Susan Weed recently, and I hope it lights up your synapses and gives you renewed hope, as it did for me.

Orgasm

The clitoris does not age.

It matures during childhood.

Achieving its fullness by mid-adolescence.

And stays that way.

The clitoris is the "only anti-senescent tissue in the human body."

The penis certainly ages.

But the clitoris doesn't.

Genetic material is quite vulnerable.

Both eggs and sperm are easily damaged by a variety of ordinary things:

• Heat

• Oxygen

• Time (age)

• Solar radiation/sunlight

The older we are, the more our genetic material has endured these assaults.

Eggs get funky.

Sperm get weird.

DNA ain't right.

Genes are in disarray.

Hey, wouldn't it make sense to shut down baby-making?

Women do.

That's menopause.

No more funky eggs.

No more twisted DNA.

No more weird genes.

No more menstruation.

But we retain our orgasmic capacity.

Because it isn't part of reproduction.

For women.

Obviously.

A man releases reproductive material (spermatozoa) when he has an orgasm.

A woman does not ovulate when she has an orgasm.

Orgasm is separate from reproductive capacity in women.

Leaving us to ponder the ever-youthful clitoris.

The magic button for orgasm.

Menopausal years are rarely filled with orgasms.

Libido may disappear . . . temporarily. . .

Vaginal tissues may thin and get dry, making intercourse difficult, painful.

And hot flashes can be triggered by orgasm.

My biggest gripe about my menopause: So unfair to be washed through with a hot flash in the midst of a toe-curling orgasm.

Doesn't make orgasm attractive.

Doesn't make orgasm desirable.

And if orgasm has been initiated by desire fueled by ovulation, well . . .

Goodbye to all that.

No more ovulation.

No more pull to orgasm.

Time to rethink.

Time to recalibrate.

Time to take your orgasm into your own hands.

Time to find what really turns you on.

As menopause gives way to post-menopause, turn your thoughts to orgasm.

If necessary, see it as a task, a responsibility to your health, like brushing your teeth.

Do it.

Even if you don't "feel like it."

Do it often.

Do it regularly.

Orgasm is exercise for your cardio-vascular system.

Orgasm keeps lymphatic fluid flowing all over your body.

Orgasm releases feel-good hormones.

Orgasm supports hormonal health.

Orgasm improves lung capacity.

Orgasm moves energy.

Orgasm improves sleep; by the release of oxytocin and prolactin

Orgasm counters pain; by the release of endorphins.

Orgasm reduces stress hormones.

Orgasm strengthens immunity; by increasing the number of white blood cells.

Orgasm improves blood flow to every organ.

Orgasm lowers blood pressure.

Orgasm prevents arthritis.

Orgasm nourishes well-being; by the release of dopamine and serotonin.

Orgasm improves emotional regulation.

Orgasm opens spirit to Oneness.

Orgasm boosts self-esteem.

Orgasm promotes good digestion.

Orgasm protects against osteoporosis.

Orgasm — dare I say it? — keeps us young.

Orgasm releases hormones that have anti-aging effects.

Orgasm puts a bloom in our cheeks.

Orgasm brings a laugh to the heart.

Orgasm connects you to your soul purpose.

Orgasm nourishes the ability to love and cherish life.

Orgasm expands.

Orgasm sparks creativity.

Do I need to explain that male orgasm is different?

So many spiritual paths require men to turn away from orgasm.

So many spiritual teachings warm men against passion, desire, sex.

Pay no attention sisters.

Your orgasm is magic.

Your orgasm is holy.

Your orgasm, especially after menopause, is healing.

Make it a priority.

For yourself.

For your longevity.

For the healing of all suffering.

For the health of Mother Earth.

Your orgasm is sacred.

Your orgasm is in beauty.

Your orgasm is a giveaway dance with the plants.

Your orgasm beats as one with the heartbeat of the earth.

Surrounded by green blessings.

Gratitude

Oh deepest gratitude for orgasms.

Gratitude for the orgasms of every old woman.

Gratitude for my orgasms.

Joy

Joy

Joy

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In my office I see women for all kinds of pelvic related things, and often when I ask that question, how is your pleasure?, the answer brings tears to their eyes. “Not good!” they cry. Orgasm has gone missing. And we talk about it.

But so many women are sitting in this sadness alone, even in their close female relationships. It seems like a huge looming blimp in the sky, blotting out the sun.

“It’s too much to expect my partner to be devoted to my pleasure.”

When a client said this to me recently, I recognized my own under-worshiped, undeserving Maiden’s voice. We all have her, or a version of her. She’s been told generation after generation that her pleasure is not a priority. She’s been shown by patriarchal cultures that she was an object to be conquered rather than a magical conduit of creation and a connection - to God & to Earth itself - worthy of worship.

She feels like a burden if she takes too long. That it’s a buzz-kill for her to speak up when she experiences pain during sex. That she should make sure her partner is always satisfied, ignoring her own pleasure.

She doesn’t know that her body is a temple. She doesn’t realize that her orgasm is a doorway to God and the mycelium and the birds and the stars. She doesn’t realize her pleasure potential, yet. But she is changing…

Her voice is emerging now in this pivotal time in our history, to reclaim what’s rightfully hers. Our Maidens are rising and healing, transforming us into mature Women who can reconcile this question of worth, once and for all.

We can learn how to expand our bodies and widen the river banks again, allowing pleasure back in like a honey-golden river that soothes all our wounds.

Pain shrank us into withering trickles, but pleasure is the great flood that makes our bodies sing like the Mississippi delta at sunset.

Pleasure is the current of our feminine waters, flowing through our sacred channels and opening us up to birth life and create form.

When women say yes to pleasure, they become the Earth, the Mother, and the Maiden. Their unification is a gift to their lovers and children, clients and sisters.

All that is fine and good, Sarah. But how do I get there? Do I need to sign up for a tantra retreat or what? Please - no! Don’t jump into solutions just yet, darling. There are some important simple things to know first.

Pleasure is about letting go, which can be scary AF.

For women (like me) with trespass histories (which frankly, is most of us) finding pleasure can be really scary because it means letting go of control to some degree. Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t relax? First, it’s the temperature of the room, then it’s the lighting, then it’s his elbow on your inner thigh, then the pressure of his tongue isn’t quite right… this is an example of my own hyper-vigilant nervous system, seeking control.

If I’m having a difficult day, if I’ve over-given and am under-nourished, if I’ve had to have my Boss Babe hat on all day, or haven’t spent enough time in nature recently, I might have a difficult time transitioning from the logistical mind into pleasure. Even after 20 years of healing my womb and body, it still comes up sometimes.

There isn’t a linear path that is one-size-fits-all, and as I’ve said before, there are layers upon layers that may never end. We get through our own experiences, and it seems that right there at the veil is a line of ancestors asking for healing too.

I recommend starting with a slow, subtle, sequential approach with the guidance of a woman who has traversed the path to healing her own Pelvic Timeline. This is hard work to do alone, especially if we get stuck in the brown area in the trauma zone. But we can boost our process by accessing the codes of women who have reclaimed their pleasure. Co-regulation in safe containers can be life changing. I work this way with a few women each year, and you can read about my process here.

The work of Kimberly Ann Johnson, specifically her book Call of the Wild is also a great resource on healing trauma starting with the nervous system and the body. I highly recommend her course ‘Jaguar’ as well.

I am passionate about helping women unwind and re-imprint these somatic pathways, to discover their innate sensuality and pleasure, because this work has changed my life. It’s never too late. It’s possible to have a sexual revolution at any age! If this is resonating with you…

You are invited to my next Women’s Body Literacy Playshop happening March 16th 12-2pm EST.

This Playshop will be exploring:

• female anatomy of arousal

• nervous system, orgasm, & pleasure

• mothering our inner maidens meditation

• real talk about pleasure taboos

• circle share with other women

• tools for releasing pain and welcoming pleasure

• Q & A

This Playshop is for you if (any applies):

• you have zero experience or lots with this topic

• you have lower libido than you'd like

• you want to break patterns around sex

• you want to increase your sensual capacity

• you want to learn to center your female biology

• you've had some form of trespass by men

• you have a daughter that you want to teach!

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Women’s Body Literacy & Pleasure Playshop

March 16th | 12-2pm EST | Live via Zoom | $40

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Can you name a woman you knew growing up who lived in Pleasure?

Innocence and play, wonder at nature, joy in sensation, appreciation of beauty, patience and love, creativity unbound, bliss for simple things, sensuality that just exuded from her without trying…

I cannot think of one. The pain in our mother line is hard to fathom, in the generations before the modern feminine awakening. The doctors and agencies really failed them, telling them not to breastfeed, giving their children sugar and chemicals rather than the lifegiving elixir from their own bodies. They left them tied to beds alone to birth, and gave them experimental drugs. They gave them the ‘Husband Stitch’. They stole away and pathologized every sacred right of reproduction and womanhood, all for profit and control.

My Momma dreamed and sacrificed in order to give me a better life. And she succeeded. The Mothers before us all endeavored to make the world a more beautiful and safe place for us. It’s a blueprint for motherhood, to strive to do so. Yes, even if you don’t feel like you can point to one good thing she did, a kernel of this was in her heart, below all her pain and wounding.

Our Mothers persevered, making it up as they went without chat GBT or Siri to ask for a recipe, without Google Maps to get you to gymnastics on time, without social media groups to help her feel less alone, and without many of the rights that we enjoy today like the right to own property. Our Mamas had a growing number of role models for women in business, and yet they had few role models for women in pleasure.

It’s our time to change that.

We can have both, we can have full rivers and wide banks, we can have resilient nervous systems capable of feeling and transmuting all the anger, rage, and pain. We can reclaim our full spectrum experience, as radiant sensual beings. We can hiss and purr. We can find safety in surrender and pleasure. I promise you it’s true. The proof: the clitoris never ages.

Please join me for this month’s Playshop on Pleasure, come see me in the office to support your tissues in releasing, or book an online consultation so I can support you from afar.

Our world needs a vast array of women in pleasure, who feel good being inside their bodies. Because this is how we KNOW THINGS. This is where intuition, connection, and clairvoyance live. In a world that’s growing weirder and less natural by the minute, we need women to be the lighthouses for reality. An army of centered, safe, feeling beings in pleasure. May it be so.

love love,

Sarah WolfMother