The dominant male culture is entitled to its opinions on women’s bodies. The ‘conscious’ male culture is not an exception…
Imagine this scenario: A man and a woman are planning an intimate evening. They have set the environment around them mindfully with candles, and music. They have chosen this evening to connect with one another’s bodies and hearts, and have chosen ritualized practices to deepen into sacred sensual space together. They sit facing one another, legs intertwined.
Then the man says, ‘What’s that bad smell, do you smell that? Ugh. Is that cat food or something? Is it YOU?’
It eventually becomes apparent that he is reacting to her smell. The smell of her pu$$y. She reaches down to touch herself, and smells the potent smell of a turned on woman, and she reflects that she actually loves her unique smell.
‘It’s too much. It’s just a lot for me. I can’t…’ and he pulls away.
The ‘locker room talk’ that has shaped his views of women’s bodies come to the surface. The degrading ways that men talk about how women smell, the myriad expressions of ‘gross’, are so prevalent that even in conscious circles I’ve heard it. So entitled to these opinions, some men even speak of their contempt openly and laugh about it in front of women.
Somehow, it’s not even considered how this might affect a woman who hears this misogyny.
What I want to say here almost overwhelms me with emotion.
I am immediately reminded of my first experience hearing men speak this way in front of me, as if I didn't exist. I think I was 14 years old. It wasn’t about me personally, but the impact was like being punched in the gut. I’m pretty sure the words, ‘go douche yourself’, were said.
And what did I take away from this teaching moment? That pussies smell BAD. That they need to be washed out with soap, like when you get caught swearing. This was when it began. The SHAME. The humiliation. The disassociation from myself. The seeds of scorn and disdain were planted.
And our culture perpetuates this, the medical model perpetuates this, the feminine hygiene industry perpetuates this. They profit from our shame in more ways than one, not just monetarily, but with a power dynamic that can be so oppressive that many women never rise above it.
Science is only starting to scratch the surface of the brain-pussy connection. Yes, just like the gut microbiome is now being linked to cognitive function and health, so it is with the vagial microbiome. Ask any woman. When there is something going on for her down there, it often causes quite the disruption for her psychologically and emotionally, and this isn’t simply because she's ‘frail’.
And when men (or mothers, or other women) are harsh, entitled, insensitive, and lack class when they speak about this, whether there is actually an issue or not, it can deeply wound a woman’s sense of body love and self worth.
And then there’s the subjective nature of the opinion of ‘odor’ itself. Like in this example above, she loves her smell, but he doesn’t. Is someone correct?
Female essence is a rich combination of hundreds of factors including hormones and pheromones, diet, the season of her cycle, her level of arousal, and the ph and flora in her vaginal biome, to name a few. And then, the body that perceives it has its own thousand-fold sensory mechanisms that interpret her essence. What to one person smells like ‘tuna’ could smell to another like ‘the ocean’.
How many positive feminine essence references have you actually heard? Not many I’d assume. Here, let me help you with some vocabulary, because how we name things MATTERS, it affects our associations and our perspectives deeply:
Oceanic
Seashore
Savory
Organic
Herbaceous
Earthy
Rich
Mossy
Loamy
Musky
Aromatic
Spicy
Now, I’m not naive, I know that some pussies sometimes get odorous.That the sensitive microbiome of a woman’s body can become imbalanced, and this can create an environment where bacteria thrives, and thus malodor occurs.
But this is not just a woman’s dirty problem. Just one example, men’s hands and penises contribute greatly to this flora disruption. If a man hasn’t washed his hands and he touches her with a day’s worth of god-knows-what on his hands, it’s not her fault. Preventing this is both of their concerns.
The toxins in feminine products, the crazy shit they put in tampons alone can really throw off a woman’s ph.
And what about the lack of education about uterine cleansing, abdominal and pelvic self massage, vaginal steaming, infradian rhythm, period care, and all the positive ways we women can take care of our own bodies, to prevent mucus build up, old blood remaining stuck in the uterus, and stagnation in the tissues? Stigmatized and tabooed.
This is an important conversation for everyone for two reasons. We need to STOP martyring women for what is a total failure of our society and institutions of education. And we need to turn the conversation into one that moves everyone forward towards healthy non-toxic solutions, and to do so humanely.
Men, please. I don’t want to alienate you, but you must understand the damage this culture (that you are part of) is perpetuating, and rise up. I’ve taken off the kid gloves here, it’s time to get real.
Wash your hands and cocks before you touch her with them. If there’s anything this pandemic has brought about that’s positive, it’s more focus on proper handwashing.
Also, men, what is with that contempt you carry about this? What crap did you hear in the high school gym class that lives uninspected in your psyche? Where is your respect for the miracle of nature before you?
I don’t think you know how little you actually know. Find a way to have a conversation, if you must, with your woman that comes from empathy for what this culture has done to you both. And for heaven’s sake don’t reject her for it. This could create a deep wound she may never recover from. Know the greater cultural and societal narrative, check it, and debunk it together. You, after all, may be the cause of her flora imbalance, if that is what is actually going on.
Ladies, please take care to honor your pussy as sacred, meaning don’t allow anything to enter that you haven’t inspected for good juju, cleanliness and lack of toxicity. Engage your inner sacred masculine as a gatekeeper to protect your feminine essence.
Don’t douche. Don’t use menstrual or beauty products that are full of chemicals, synthetics, and fragrances. If you use menstrual cups, make sure you know how to clean, sanitize, and store them every month. Buy fresh panties regularly, and throw the old ones out.
Befriend your nervous system and endocrine system. Check on yourself regularly, with your own clean hands and a mirror. Clean up your diet, especially if you are having bacterial or yeast issues.
Make sure you go pee after sex and wash up, but not with crazy harsh detergents. And take care of your sexual, pelvic, birth, fertility, and womb wounding.
Hope is here. There’s a more beautiful world possible, one where you love and care for your body and your womb, in community. There is support. I am here. Many other womb care practitioners are here.